It’s been a week….
Where do I even begin…. a lot happens in a week. This last week was a lot on top of a lot. So let me rewind the tape and tell you what’s happened.
Monday was filled with training in TIR. I love training students. It’s so much fun to watch them learn something new. We have such a great time integrating the lessons. New connections and friendships are formed and healing happens. I can’t put into words what these weeks are like, but once you experience one you’d get what I’m talking about.
Tuesday was another day of training. We had some time to fill in before lunch break and I was juggling which smaller bits we could cover when the phone rang. I could see it was the cancer clinic calling so I took the call. “the pharmacy has looked into the chemo drugs, and the taxol and the immunotherapy do contain artificial sweeteners”
I think I was expecting this on some level because my body has been giving me all the signs something wasn’t right. The sensations in my legs and feet the same as when I had the worst of the artificial sweetener poisonings in my life back in 2012. So now what? As the doctor uttered the words “we have to get chemo into you this week. I say we start the AC treatments and discontinue the others. We don’t want to postpone another week. It’s too dangerous. People with triple negative breast cancer will die without chemo”
I finish the call with the doctor and look back at my students. Now we have something to fill the time before lunch. A session on me. In training my students always practise on me before they practise on each other. We do real sessions not any role play. And, I was ready to tell them what happened. As I shared my feelings, thoughts and upset over this unfortunate news I began feeling better. I knew what I needed to do at my appointment the next day. I needed to show up bolder somehow. More strong in my conviction. I need the head “tattoo” and I need it tonight. I can feel my power, my strength and my ability to advocate for myself strong and ready for my appointment on Wednesday. I’ve had my end point, I feel better. And, I’m laughing. Now let’s have some lunch… but, before we do one of my students “has a girl for the henna tattoo” and she can come that night. How easy was that? THAT EASY!
We finish our day of learning and connections and Kassandra, the henna artist arrives. We get to talking about her creative endeavours and how she’s wanting to do henna parties. She also does aesthetics. What a talented and lovely human. She radiated love and the experience was beautiful. As she held my hands I cried. Tears of joy and thankfulness. Kassandra had never met me before this, so had never seen my hair. And yet she gave me an A-symmetrical henna, just like my hair used to be. It brought me to tears. It was a moment that will stand out to me in time forever. A moment of peace and understanding. A moment I felt so empowered and so much like ME. Kassandra wanted to gift me this henna. It’s hard for me to accept gifts from people, especially strangers. Such a beautiful gesture from a complete stranger, and such a heart opening experience.
Wednesday Mikey took the day off to go with me to my doctors appointment. I was happy to have left the appointment with all of the things I needed to feel safe to continue with treatment. Dr Hamm and the pharmacy got me all the print outs of the ingredients in every medication. At first the plan was to do the AC treatments (aka red velvet) every other week but sadly, the shots to help build up white blood cells post chemo are not something I can take. They also contain artificial sweeteners. I’ve been asked a bunch of times: why? Why would medication and chemo contain artificial sweeteners? It’s really illogical to me but they use them for emulsifiers and thickening agents. Things like this are happening everywhere as artificial sweetener is cheaper than other ingredients. It’s disturbing. Pay attention friends to everything you’re ingesting! So what does that mean for me? I’ll have to trust my body to build up the white blood cells and we will do treatment every 3 weeks to give my body more time. I’m so thankful for techniques I have learned like “communication with the body” I’ll be talking to my cells, my organs and my body as we work together to heal. My body isn’t a fan of pharmaceuticals anyways so this feels more in alignment with me.
I got some really good news when Dr Hamm did a breast exam on me. She couldn’t find the tumour!!!! And, she looked thoroughly. I didn’t think of it at the time but I’ll call to request an ultrasound so she can see what’s happening inside of my body. I’ve been talking to my body the whole way through and feeling like the tumour is “gone” I talk about in past tense and I know without a doubt that my body has been helping me.
This was my look for my appointment. I felt bad ass. I’ve been getting annoyed with the comments from people when I’m out and about. Comments of pity… “you poor thing” “you’re so young” or questions like “are you sick?” or “what kind of cancer do you have?” or the worse one yet that’s happened a handful of times “you should get your ovaries removed too” or someone shares about a loved one’s experience with cancer and proceeds to tell me they’ve died. So comforting. Not. I find it annoying. I don’t view myself as sick, and I don’t HAVE cancer, cancer is with me. I also don’t just cut out organs for shits and giggles. I am fairly young but cancer doesn’t discriminate. I don’t need or want pity. It’s such a low vibrating energy. I believe health is being restored in me and my body is healing. This is all part of why I wanted to show up with a bit of a different identity to my appointment. I didn’t want to feel that pity, and it was nice. Instead I got compliments on my henna as I confidently navigate the world bald and bold. I haven’t worn hats much at all since getting the henna. I plan to keep doing the henna as long as I’m bald. I love it! It’s another canvas to express myself. 💗
Thursday - the day of the 1st red velvet treatment. I woke up panicky. Anxious. Upset. I’ve been hearing about so many negative side effects from this treatment and I feel less than ready. Yet, like a champ I pack my snacks and my backpack with my Kalvin stuffy and all the things to keep me as comfy as possible. Mikey is off again to take me. As we get closer and closer to the cancer clinic my body feels shaky and scared. I hold my chest with my hand and take a big breath. As I focus on my breath, I gain the strength to get out of the jeep and walk those steps again. My nurse Jen was on her game. We chatted through the entire treatment. The nurse has to inject the red velvet. They watch the lines, they watch Penelope and they watch me. If any leaks it can burn / chew off your skin. This happened to my friends mom.
After we were finished I had energy and so we went for lunch and a haircut for Mikey. It was great to see Sarmad, my hairdresser! Mikey got the A shaved back in his hair, it’s so cute! Sarmad holds a special place in my heart, when you share an experience with someone like the day he gave me all those cuts things just change. It’s hard to explain how bonding it all is for me. It’s moments I’ll never forget. Moments that could’ve been awful but we made them memories. Mikey looks adorable with his “A” shave lines, he’s also sporting his “cancer touched my wife’s boobs shirt so I’m going to kick its ass” shirt that Kylee and Renee made him and I think it’s funny!
Friday I got to work!!!! I was so happy I wasn’t sick! I also got to share time with Craig and get him up to date on all the things. Once a week isn’t always enough to tell him the whole story! I love Craig, my life is definitely better with him in it! After work, I napped and snuggled with Kalvin. I love that dog! My life is definitely better with him in it too! I really am blessed.
We also had a visit with Kalvin’s bestie Odin and it was nice and sunny! I need to be careful with sun. It was nice to feel the warm day!
Kylee and I did some shopping and we had family meals and snuggles. It was a good weekend!
I had a visit from Dana who brought me a box of sunshine and prayed for me. I also had such a special surprise left on my porch from a dear soul Sylvia. It’s a beautiful handmade quilt. You’ll be seeing me snuggled in love in pictures here!
May your week be wrapped in love too! xox Love, A
