Treatment Six

Thursday Mikey took the day off to take me to see Dr Hamm, the Oncologist. We had no idea what to expect, or if treatment would be happening after we saw her, or not. As we made the trip down Walker Road my body started getting anxious and nauseated. I felt nervous and uneasy about the unknown.

We had a chance to connect with some women before being called in. Spreading hope and healing through hats is an experience that I’m so thankful I get to share in. The smiles that come with the connection are something I will never forget. We get to hear stories and listen to their hearts. The little sparks of happiness these hats bring helps me too. I don’t like going to the cancer clinic but this part helps me feel like me. It makes the atmosphere feel warmer and more loving. Mikey said it was his favourite part of the day. It is mine too.

I really appreciate nurse Debbie. I can feel her love and care for me. I also thought it was so cute that she shared with me that she reads my blog. She also shared a book with me that she thought I would like and I feel like she gets me on some level. Dr. Hamm came in after nurse Debbie was done with me and together we decided on treatment for the day. She is having the pharmacy go through the meds for potential artificial sweetener, and so we didn’t do the taxol this week since that’s the one that was running when the reaction happened on week 5. Next week, we should have answers from the pharmacy and as long as I’m doing okay the plan is to desensitize me to the taxol. Assuming it doesn’t have any artificial Sweeteners in it. This means I’ll be in the clinic all day. 7 am - 4 pm is a long day there. I’ll bring lots of hats to try to make it better.

I was doing training this week and my students practise on me and watch interns run sessions on me for examples. In one of these sessions my end point was about my stuffed dog that looks like Kalvin. I realized that just like I communicate with Penelope I can communicate with Kalvin and my stuffy can help. And, it did. Each time I began to feel uncomfortable or my emotions bubbling up I grounded myself with my Kalvin stuffy and felt him flowing love to me, just like he would if he was with me at the clinic. It was really special and helped me feel more peace.

After treatment was done we picked up Kalvin from Heather and Anne who loved on him all day when we were at the clinic. Dr Hamm had me go for an ultrasound on my legs just to ensure no blood clots were there. The sweet tech Alysha was so apologetic about the cold gel and the cold room. I had to tell her that it was nothing on the scale of uncomfortableness I’ve been dealing with. I’m getting so used to feeling less than comfy that I fell asleep on her table. Not even noticing the cold room or cold gel. My body is so zonked. The steroids are like a con artist. Making my body think I feel great and filled with energy when I don’t. It’s been hard to sleep and shut down with the steroids and I’m so thankful the doctor listened that I want to ween off and only take them if needed. So, she put me on a weening Rx and I’m happy about it. My body however, has been feeling it all weekend.

The weekend was good. I got to meet Heather and Anne for Starbucks and had a visit with my friend Shelly. She brought me some yummy treats and a special treatment gift for my feet with Hunter. My feet are healing well and although still swollen they’re enjoying all the love. It was great to see Shelly and great to not be sick. Nausea was knocking on my door all weekend but I could persevere with only some bouts of bile. Gross, I shared some time at the TIRA marketing meeting and was glad to see that project I’ve poured so much time into still being worked on as I’m navigating this and taking a break in helping. It was great to see colleagues.

We had family breakfasts and snuggles on the couch and Kalvin got to play with his bestie, Odin lots. I’m so thankful my family and I are so close. We had a good long talk about cancer and what it means for me and I began to process what my next steps might be. Processing so much at once isn’t easy. The truth of the matter is chemo will be finished in 18 more weeks and by then I’ll have to make a choice about surgery. I have no idea what that’ll look like but collecting data and feeling my way through what might be best for me is something I am thinking about already. None of it is easy, but it’s all necessary. It’s quite emotional and painful to think of my body without breasts. People say really strange things like “they’re just boobs” or “you should get your ovaries cut out while they’re at it”. Sometimes I want to just scream “SHUT UP!” It really doesn’t help.

When I go places people ask me: “are you sick?” or “what kind of cancer do you have?” It is exhausting at times. I don’t view myself as sick. I don’t even view myself as having cancer. I see it as cancer is with me but most of the time when I’m out and one of these people says something like this, I don’t correct them. It would take forever and I don’t see the point. As much as I love blessing others with the hats, I’m sick of wearing them because I know people see me and the first thing they think is about me being sick or cancer being with me. It feels gross and icky. I’m thinking of doing some henna tattoos on my head. I also giggle at what that will give people to say. I told Mikey I would rather them look at me and think what a bad ass with tattoos on her head then “oh that poor girl with cancer” I can’t wait to get hair back, and have a hat burning party. I hope you’ll all come! I’ll definitely want to celebrate when cancer is no longer with me, and dumb comments can subside.

But, for now. I will celebrate being done another round of chemo. I’ll celebrate Kalvin cuddles. I’ll celebrate nausea only knocking, not barging in. I’ll celebrate my family and friends who love and care about me. I’ll celebrate another day here on earth to share my love. I’ll celebrate bigger sized running shoes and healing feet. I’ll celebrate Starbucks dates and snuggles. Cancer might stink but, there is always something to celebrate.

Make it a great week everyone!