Leamington Road Tomatoes 🍅

My body is definitely keeping score. As Mikey, Kalvin and I headed in to the city for my check up with the oncologist my body started reacting. Gagging, sweating and tasting metal. My body knows what happens in the Cancer clinic and it’s triggered. It’s keeping score. As I put my hands on my chest and focus on my breath, I talk to my body.

This week it has been so evident to me that my body is being activated ALL the time. If I think too long about the meds, I’ll puke. If I see or snell a food I ate on treatment day I gag. My body is keeping score of ALL of it.

I was a mess as the nurse Debbie came to see me before the doctor. Crying, sweating and itchy. She was so patient. As we went over all the symptoms my body was getting increasingly triggered. As I steadied my cold, shaking legs with my hands, my body asked for water. Mikey went to get water while I did some tapping to help balance my energy.

Mikey and the doctor arrived just moments apart. “I’ve never seen this before. Not in 25 years” was the message from the Oncologist. Surprise, surprise …Amie is a rarity.

I am not having chemo this week and the regimen is being changed moving forward. I have no idea what that means for me. Other than next week they’ll check me over on Thursday to see if I’m having chemo or not. If so, they’ll probably start the Adriamycin and Cyclophosphamide, also known as the red devil. They’ll stop the immunotherapy and the taxol. They’ve put me on steroids. The last thing my body wants is 30 days worth of more steroids. Ugh!

Have I told you lately that I hate this? I wish someone would tell me what changing the regime means for me. Does it change my life expectancy?

I feel afraid. Not afraid of dying. Afraid of being sick and then dying. My quality of life seems like it’s taken a hard face plant into the biggest shit sandwich with a side of itchy chips.

And then she uttered the words. “You know most people don’t work, Amie” What part of I’m not most people don’t you get? Would you like to look at my strange feet again? My heart sliced open ..may as well add a rotten slice of Leamington street tomato that fell off a wagon to that shit sandwich Im eating. As I sat, crying burning tears and doing my best to confront the pain that was being served again, they noticed the tears making my face red and my cheeks puffy. The chemical in my body burns every time it is released in any way. Tears, urine, you name it. That saying “that really burns my ass!” A cancer patient started it, I’m certain:

Over the weekend, Renee went thought the treatment schedule and I thought based on it that I could keep the red devil away until its scheduled date of May 3. I was beginning to prepare myself for what that meant for work. I’ve been told that the nausea lasts longer and the treatments are harder. Makes sense seeing as they call it a red devil. I’m going to rename it red velvet. I don’t like cake of any kind (I know, I’m strange. It’s a theme!) so that’s also gross for me calling it red velvet but calling it a devil seems to give it too much power to me. That, and it reminds me of my former husbands weird tattoo. It looked like a little red devil wearing undies. He told me it was his conscience but, my conscience hasn’t ever needed a pitchfork or undies so, whatever man. It’s red velvet, some people like it, I personally think it’s gross but I’ll tolerate it with the help of Penelope. It’s better than a shit sandwich with itchy chips and rotten road tomatoes.

Penelope and I are happy for the break. We are also now laughing about Philip’s tattoo. And the visualization of actual shit sandwiches with itchy chips and road tomatoes. 🍅 Then, as if this post wasn’t sideways enough I start thinking about Renee’s “unwich” the other day from Jimmy Johns and how wet it was. “Unwich” means lettuce in place of the bun. That sammy was dripping water like someone had a running hose in it every time she took a bite. A sopping wet shit sandwich. Is this only funny to me? Possibly. I digress.

I’m missing information. I just want to feel better. I want to be mom. I want to feel healthy, even for a day. I want to hug the kids without Penelope feeling sore, I want to have even an hour of fun. I want to walk even just to the kitchen without pain in my feet. I can’t wait for my session with Craig. I know I’ll move charge and feel better after.

What are the nuggets of today? I got to meet one of my upcoming TIR students and I’m so excited for her and the ladies coming! I got to FaceTime with Renee and Ash and get some laughs in. I got to nap for 2 hours and some new hats came. They were a gift from my Uncle Ron. 💜 I received some really beautiful messages and a foot bath session with my friend Carly for tomorrow. We also had fun with Kalvin and his friends. Every day has nuggets. And, sometimes even shit sandwiches can be the thing that can make one feel better. Or weird tattoos, or your former husband. If I can see shit sandwiches, weird tattoos, and my former husband as nuggets today, I know it’s a good day to have a good day. Eat the cake, get the weird tattoo because friends, life is short and laughter is medicine.