From Overwhelm To Peace
Treatment number 5 was the worst one yet. Walking in to the treatment area was overwhelming. Today, I had a chair instead of a bed and the room was full and noisy and overwhelming. As my salty tears streamed down my cheeks, I got my Kalvin stuffy and blanket and got settled in. Even though I’d have rather she didn’t have to see the devastation that is Cancer, I was so grateful my cousin Renee was with me. As my nurse came to begin all the things that happen every week, I showed her my swollen, blistery feet. The Nurse Practitioner came to check my feet and ordered some antibiotics and cream. As we waited for the chemo to come up so treatment could begin we chatted with the other people there. The people are all so kind, and everyone I meet is trying to find the silver linings. It was fun to spread hope and healing through hats.
Renee and I were FaceTiming with Ashley as the taxol started to run through the IV. My face and head started getting really itchy. As I itched, the itch got worse. My thinking was starting to feel distorted as the nurse came over to see what was wrong. She stopped the IV and the itchiness subsided. After a few minutes she started the IV again. I could see the line of nurses watching. After a minute or two the itchiness returned and they stopped running the IV again. One nurse brought me a cold cloth, the others working together to get Benadryl and steroids running. I was having an allergic reaction to the drugs. Again, I began to cry. Asking my nurse why they cannot just give me the Benadryl and steroids through the IV each week instead of this. When they give me the Benadryl part way through the treatment I’m then groggy still when it’s time to leave and I don’t like it. She let me know that now since I’ve had a reaction they will give me them at the beginning like they did week one and two. I’m happy about that. As happy as a person who doesn’t like taking medications could be. Worse than taking them is having adverse reactions. That is downright scary. It made me realize just how quickly things can turn.
The IV was also leaking on my pink shirt. I stayed in contact with Penelope Port to ensure she was doing alright as we drifted off together. I thanked her for the job she’s doing to help me with the medications and I could feel her relief. More and more each day, I’m talking to my body. And, it helps. We are doing better with food because of this ongoing communication.
Before we left, we went down to the pharmacy to get the medications to add to the pile. Ugh. In my 47 years on this earth, I’ve had piles of laundry, piles of files, piles of fun but I’ve never had piles of medications and I’d rather it stayed that way, but the sad truth is; I now have an organized pill case, and I hate it. I’ll be happy when I can be done with all of that. I have to keep reminding myself this too shall pass. At the pharmacy I finally got the answers from the week prior, what EXACTLY is in that mild solution? The answer: “we can’t guarantee it doesn’t have artificial sweeteners. Don’t take it” … I was so thankful I had listened to that inner knowing! When the bottle was delivered after last treatment, I muscle tested and got a NO. The no was strong. I knew there was something about that solution that was not for me. Friends, when you get that pull, please listen. Imagine the state of me if I had just listened to them and swished and swallowed that 4 times a day for a week? Artificial sweetener poisoning is a real concern for me. I don’t feel heard. I don’t feel like they’re listening to me. I don’t feel safe. I don’t trust them to not poison me. I can advocate for myself, but what about when the Benadryl kicks in? What about if another allergic reaction happens, and my thinking starts distorting again? My support persons job just got more real. They aren’t just driving me, and keeping me company. They’re ensuring no one poisons me. Week 5 is stressful.
Kalvin must feel it, because he’s extra snuggly. As my swollen, sore feet lay down his warm snuggles help me feel safe. His funny personality sparks joy in an otherwise gloomy, unpleasantly eventful day.
The bathroom got a little crowded as my support squad joined me so I could detox bath. Renee, Kylee and Kalvin all hung out with me in the bathroom as I soaked in the tub, and cold showered. As usual, the detox bath worked, as my squad went to bed, I spent the next few hours between the porcelain throne, the bidet and the shower. When it felt safe, Kalvin and I tucked in trusting tomorrow would be better.
