Soup, Sleep, and Sickies

Gross 🤢 Saturday and Sunday were lost on me. After a walk with Heather, Ziggy and Kalvin and a quick trip to the store and a game or two with Adrienne, I fell and I fell hard. And, it really has sucked. The waves of nausea were very unpleasant. I could feel the weakness creeping in and I knew even with the disgusting feeling I had to eat and drink or this was only going further downhill. Forcing food is not my jam. In fact, I have lots of emotional charge on being forced to eat. Growing up, one of my Grandmas was a food pusher and although that was a really long time ago, my gag reflex remains. It’s on my case plan with Craig, I just haven’t got to it yet, even in all these years. I’ve never actually seen my case plan, but I’m thinking I should pay Craig a storage fee. The force feeding / gagging thing might become more pressing given 23 more weeks of these treatments potentially means 23 more weeks of nausea and if I work to eliminate any of the earlier /similar traumas I might not have so many symptoms and unwanted feelings connected to nausea. Right now, the thought of going back is gag producing. I’ve been crying a lot over the weekend too. My brain feels slower and I just don’t feel like myself. People say to me: “you’re so strong” it feels like total BS. Sometimes I can feel strong and find my inner champion and other times I feel like a bag of contaminated hazardous waste. Did you know that on chemo treatments your “waste” is toxic? So, fine I’ve been using my own bathroom but I went straight to the bottom of the rabbit hole with ideas about what would happen to Kalvin if he licked my feet? and further down the rabbit hole about my hesitation to use public bathrooms since I was a tyke. If I thought it was gross and potentially scary then, you can only begin to imagine where I was when I was spinning out about it. I’m granting myself some grace, these thoughts are just thoughts and I have some processing to do over all of the things that are happening. Thankfully Monday I’m with Craig again and I’ll have lots to say. And, he will listen. Then, I’ll feel better. It’s how it goes. Kalvin is the best. He chooses hanging with me, even if I’m contaminated garbage. He has been right by my side like the loyal, fluffy companion he is.

I had to say good bye to Adrienne today, and I was sad. I’ve been extra emotional with good byes since all this began. I want her and all my people to know how much I love and appreciate them. One of the things I’ll never forget was when my Grandpa found out he had lung cancer, and how he handled it. I want to be like him, that time was so special to me. He would call me to tell me some funny story he remembered about us, or to make sure I knew my mom was the actual creator or penicillin, according to him. He made the most out of every day he had and it makes me wonder now what it was like for him when he was alone. Was he always making the most of it or did he feel like a contaminated bag of garbage at times? He was given 6 weeks to live when he found out about the lung cancer and I’ll be forever thankful for that time. Kalvin has the same eyes as my Grandpa, and often when he looks at me I can feel my Grandpas presence close by me. Kalvin also reminds me of this time with just a little glance. The smell of soup also reminds me of my Grandpa. He always had some weird pot of soup simmering on the stove.

So, on this snowy Sunday- I’ll leave you with the idea to hold your loved ones close. Give your dog that extra snuggle. Tell your family or friends your favourite story of them. And, may we all never forget that the feelings of the heart are meant to be shared. xox