The Power of the A-N-D
I have a lot of things to say AND I don’t say them all. Yesterday, I was stronger AND I felt weak. Yesterday I had an amazing session AND I felt awful about my “negative” mood until I came upon my end point. Here’s the raw truth: there are a lot of ANDs to this journey AND it’s messing with me at times.
Let’s start here: I don’t have a clue why you’re all here reading this blog AND yet I show up to write it. I don’t fully understand why over 800 people would want to spend any part of their day reading about whatever I’m about to say AND I am thankful you do AND I feel a little like my purpose has been lost. Only it hasn’t, it’s just changed I suppose AND that doesn’t stop me from feeling like I’ve lost something. I realized in session for the hundredth time… because friends this seems a life long lesson I keep learning in different ways- that I need to SPEAK MY TRUTH. Cancer sucks AND it’s with me. So, just like my Grandpa did, I need to learn to make the best out of it AND I also need to share the worst of it. I have that opportunity.
I had to look up some family obituaries after my session because I was a little confused as to the timing of all of these deaths. But, now I’ve got it. My Grandpa, was given 6 weeks to live and died Jan 2007 and I also had a Grandma who died of cancer. Feb 8, 2008. I don’t remember my Grandma ever wanting to talk about it, or sharing any stories with me. I remember it was hard watching her struggle and never knowing what was happening for her, even though for some of this time we lived 2 doors apart from each other. With my Grandpa I was heavily involved and he seemed to, at least at the time, talk about what was happening. As I reflected after session yesterday, I remembered seeing tears stream down his freckled cheeks through the mirror beside his chair as he talked and told stories of his memories. It stands out to me to this day how much he shared with me, and it’s not surprising because to know him was to lose hours listening to him. That man could and would talk about anything. He would love TIR, he loved being heard.
This is little me with my ☀️ Grandpa- he’s always been my “person” even after he died. So many of my positive memories have him in them. When I first took TIR training, my incident I ran with Vanessa was on his death. After that, everything changed for me. I could think about him without being so devastated. AND, I could feel his love more around me as I navigated the world. His presence shows up to remind me of things in the most interesting ways. AND, I realize saying that might make me look insane to you, my dear reader, AND it’s due time I speak my truth so think whatever you want.
Kalvin has the same eyes my Grandpa had and he looks at me with this glance to remind me of things. Typically he just stands and stares at me until I feel what he’s saying. AND it’s cool. Kalvin and I have this very special connection, just like my Grandpa and I did. My Grandpa used to make it known that I was his favourite grandchild, and Kalvin makes it known I’m his favourite human. Kalvin also has hair similar to mine when I was a kid, which my grandpa had a soft spot for because it reminded him of his son, Garry, who died when he was 16 in a car accident. I have a soft spot for Kalvin’s red hair too, he’s so stinking cute. I don’t know why I’m telling you all this AND I’m telling you anyway. It all means something to me, AND I don’t know exactly what that something entirely is. Does it actually have to make sense? I think not.
I ate more today AND I didn’t want any of it. I drank more today, AND I had zero hunger/thirst cues. I ate and drank so that I don’t get sick AND to try to feel as best I can in this gross situation. I ate strawberries while I was imagining they tasted like strawberries. They probably did, they were local. My taste buds are confused AND I know I need to nourish my body. Speaking of my body …. I’m sad. I’ve been processing what surgery might mean for me AND that hits me hard. It feels like another chunk of identity being removed AND ugh… too soon. Just way too soon for me. There is so much loss in this journey. I can tell myself all I want to that my breasts have served their purpose, I breastfed both of my children, AND having them surgically hit is traumatizing AF. I got to see a double mastectomy with reconstruction for the first time in my life last week. I’m so blessed that people are so open and gift me with these beautiful experiences. It was so special and beautiful to see her body, and I had so much love and appreciation for her and her body instantly. It was like I just wanted to hold her for hours and tell her just how special and beautiful she is, AND I’m scared. Because, although, I could see her beauty through all of that, I am scared AND feeling like a whiny baby because I don’t want that kind of beauty. I want what I have, minus the cancer. AND, that’s just not how it works and I know it. I’ll never be looking like the girl I was. AND, it feels like I’ve missed her funeral. Like I didn’t get the chance to say goodbye to her before things unexpectedly changed. AND, friends, although it might not make sense unless you’ve been there, it’s painful and sad AND, at times, it stops me in my tracks and I’m overloaded with grief. Happy, joking, funny, dynamic me feels like a sad, depressing, lump of garbage grief.
I love TIR and every end point I have, and I think I might need more sessions during this time. When I’m feeling all the feels and I need a little help from myself, sessions are where to find that. As I sat unloading everything,I was feeling and thinking to Craig, I began to feel like me once again. I processed something and I felt better.
I got an email earlier in the day that hit me hard, a word was chosen that felt nothing like me when I read the email:
Dynamic. A word that’s never been directed towards me, at least vocalized, that I can ever recall. I didn’t feel dynamic, at least not when I read the email. I just felt like a failure. With an incomplete task. I had been working on helping with some marketing for TIRA and I’m super passionate about the whole modality. It’s the best thing I’ve ever learned and life-changing is an understatement. I love the job I get to do, both with clients and with training others, and I want to share that with the whole giant world. This stuff changed my life for the better and I want that for anyone who I cross paths with. I mean if they want it, obviously. If I didn’t have TIR through this I can’t even imagine how crap it would be. AND, I’m thankful I don’t need to imagine it. I followed my way and it’s served me well!
As I could feel my end point emerging in Craig’s presence, I felt dynamic. AND, after looking up the word in the dictionary, I realized a lot of the definition really is descriptive of my usual personality when I’m feeling like ME. I can still be dynamic AND deal with cancer. I can still be a force of change. I can still be a person positive in attitude and full of energy and new ideas.
"She’s dynamic and determined"
AND whatever else she presents. Because, friends, let’s be real, no one is ever dynamic and determined always, and if they were it would probably be super annoying and they would be lying or hiding AND that’s not why I’m here. I’m here because I am determined to not give up. I’m here because I’m here.
“She’s dynamic and determined AND real AND this is her platform to share”
In the last 24 hours I’ve had 2 requests for training. So, I know that showed up FOR me for some reason and I am going to somehow do a training. I don’t know what it’ll look like but I do know it’ll be awesome because it always is. Training weeks are magical, powerful and so healing, and we have a great time learning. I am a teacher at heart AND I love TIR! I’m determined to support the subject and my students so it’ll work out. Just as it’s meant to. It’ll be dynamic.
AND, before I sign off for now- Thank you. Thank you for being here and for being you. Whatever your day brings, be reminded that you can be dynamic AND whatever else. It doesn’t have to be one or the other. It rarely is. As long as it’s real. I love you. I love you. I love you. Healthy vibes and big snuggly hugs xox
