Friday Fallout

I thought it would be easier, given the fact I had my hair mostly shaved off.

It wasn’t.

As I stood with the shower with the water hitting my head, I cried more tears than the faucet. The water hitting my head hurt. The hair between my fingers devastating.

I felt I had prepared myself for this on that day with my friends and family in my hairdressers capable hands, and yet here I was. Alone in the shower a mess. with Kalvin looking in at me as I felt the hair in wet clumps on my hands.

As I sobbed, wondering “if it does this to my hair what is it doing to my brain?” I heard the footsteps of Kylee as she came in to the bathroom to check on me, kindly offering to brush through the short stubble as her soft heart said “I’m sorry, Mom”

It was traumatizing and sad, and as I confronted the pain I knew I would be okay, eventually.

As Kylee wiped up the hair from the bottom of the shower I began to feel strong again, when someone else says to me: “it’s only hair” or “it’ll grow back” it never feels okay. It feels annoying and invalidating and I want to tell them that their comments only help them feel better, and me feel worse. Sometimes people with heads of hair commenting on how “it’s only hair” make me want to pull out a portable shaver and take a strip off of their scalp and say something rude like “it’s only hair”

Yet, in that moment telling myself “it’s only hair, Amie. you can do this” felt freeing. Because, I can and I will and I’ll be better for knowing the pain of it all.

I loved my lopsided, curly hair. It wasn’t “only hair.” It was part of me, part of my identity and I miss having it. It will grow back, probably and I’ll love it again. It might not ever grow back the same, or look the same but, In each of its stages I’ll make the most out of it and be grateful that this journey made it to the other side of hair loss. And for now, I’ll do my best at being bald and rocking flower caps.

As you run your fingers through your hair today, do me a favour? Take a moment to be thankful for your hair …as messy or in due of colour or a cut as it may be. It’s not only hair, it’s part of you. Then give yourself a big hug and think of every good or positive quality you possibly can about yourself. You are loved. xox